The "let it out" thread.

EeAyEss wrote:I don't know what to say, bro. You talk well enough on here.

Keep trying to talk. Every bit helps, in my opinion, so everyday, try talking to

those that say they care. Ask them about hobbies, where they are from,

achievements, travels... doesn't matter. Just talk. Heck, maybe talk about

yourself. Sometimes a friend is better than a therapist.

Tomorrow i shall see if anyone else has the Knights Honor achievement.(Had to )

Yeah, i'd rather not talk to a therapist. Don't trust them. My interest in psychology is quite the high one, and as such, i've learnt not to trust people that try to use it. :|

It's very hard talking to them though, with my past and all that, but i am certainly trying.

You know, we had this national test in swedish last year. We were to speak of any subject we wished, and i decided i'd take advantage of this.

I talked about how i felt when i was bullied, how i wanted to befriend them etc. I risked my own grade in swedish, although i did still get an B on the test. Luckily, i managed to get an A in the end, but that isn't the point.

Point is, that even though i read such an "heart breaking" thing before them, it only lasted for about 2 days. And what i got out of it was pity instead of friendship.

After failing such a thing, which is by the way, the hardest thing i've ever had to do, i've also become even more distant, and i find it even harder to talk to them.

There are times when i manage to gather courage to talk to them, but it only lasts for a day or two, and then i go back to step one again. This doesn't really seem to affect them either, which saddens me even more.

I'm not claiming to be strong either, but i've fought for quite some time, both against myself and others, trying to keep myself sane and alive. I don't really want to be the one taking initiative anymore, as much as i may have to do it, i'd rather not, because i'm tired of it.

EeAyEss wrote:I don't know what to say, bro. You talk well enough on here.

Keep trying to talk. Every bit helps, in my opinion, so everyday, try talking to

those that say they care. Ask them about hobbies, where they are from,

achievements, travels... doesn't matter. Just talk. Heck, maybe talk about

yourself. Sometimes a friend is better than a therapist.

EeAyEss wrote:I didn't know you were religious, Scratch. It's cool to see fellow believer here. <3

Tolvo wrote:Lately I've been thinking so much about dying it can cause me to shake and convulse without any control and even give myself some really bad headaches.

The physical issues are not helping the depression which is related to such thoughts, and I don't want to just take advil to help.

Tolvo wrote:There's no need for the grace but thank you for the gesture.

I do have Hydrocodone, but that is for dealing with back pain from my surgery. I try to use it as sparingly as possible so about twice a month. With our insurance we can't really afford to just get refills whenever.

I just generally try to play games to keep myself distracted which has always worked for me. For the most part.

It always reminds me of when a friend talked about how if he died he wanted me to deliver the eulogy at his funeral which I absolutely refused. He considered this incredibly offensive and refused to listen as I explain my incredible phobia of anything relating to death. I can't deliver a eulogy while crying and curled in a ball in a funeral home. Hell, driving by cemeteries causes me to pull over and take time just to compose myself. It made me feel so guilty that I can't cope with it like a normal person but I just can't.