Brony Thread

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:21 pm

    I don't know if Wade looks for grammar/spelling feedback at all.

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:23 pm

    Artoriasflagg wrote:Careful if you get into the crossover genre... I have nothing but love for the category as a whole as it features some of the absolute best fanfics I have ever read, but there is a large percent that are just plain crap within it... Same with the Human in Equestria stories from what I have heard, but I can't attest to that one quite as much.

    What Artorias said. Crossovers, when done right, can be absolutely amazing, but most are just plain bad. As for human in Equestria stories: there's some really good ones that I could recommend.


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    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:24 pm

    WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:I don't know if Wade looks for grammar/spelling feedback at all.

    I'll always go back and fix something if someone points out a mistake.


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    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Marino. on Fri Sep 28, 2012 5:44 pm

    How about we recommend some stories ?

    Try this one http://www.fimfiction.net/story/29271/Princess-Celestia-Hates-Tea its pretty funny .

    Fancy that . I killed this thread for the first time ! lol!
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Reaperfan on Fri Sep 28, 2012 6:45 pm

    Just finished chapter 1. I definitely see what people mean when they say you have a great style. The fact that this is the first fanfic I've ever read more than a few paragraphs of is a good sign indeed big grin
    Though I do have a decent amount of feedback, even though most of it is just nitpicky grammatical or detail work stuff, and probably expressed alot more long-windedly than necessary winking

    Anyway, click the spoiler for feedback:

    Spoiler:
    Paragraph 2: "For if an undead was to lose faith, if a broken and beaten soul was to admit defeat… then it is was already too late. You had killed many hollows, looks of despair etched into their faces as you struck them down. That is was why you pledged yourself to the most noble of causes."

    The rest of the paragraph was written in past tense, so changing "is" to "was" here seems to fit a little better to me.



    Paragraph 3: "As your search became increasingly desperate, you had found yourself in the ruins of Lost Izalith, a hellish landscape filled with lava and demons, toying with the idea of sticking a hideous parasite, the sunlight maggot, onto your head. In your panic-induced delirium, you had honestly thought of this as a grandiose idea…"

    Try adding something within this bit that briefly states that a sunlight maggot has the power to generate sunlight. It's a statement about his struggle in weighing the risk vs reward of taking on a Sunlight Maggot to accomplish his goal, but it doesn't really convey what the reward actually is, and adding that little detail would flesh out this bit nicely, especially for any readers who may not be entirely familiar with Dark Souls.



    Paragraph 3: "If not for this undead, who found you and convinced you out of the idea, who knows where you would be know now?"

    Just a typo probably, didn't actually catch this until my second read-through silly



    Paragraph 4: "Such a world, in which the weak would be mercilessly preyed upon, with no warriors of the Darkmoon Blades to exact justice and avenge them, countered every belief you held as a warrior of sunlight."

    Kind of like with the Sunlight Maggot bit, try expanding just a little bit on what the Darkmoon Blades do to help flesh out the sentence. The bits I added here are just to give an idea of what I was thinking of. If you choose to do anything like this I'm sure you could come up with something a bit better winking



    Paragraph 4: "He was from an entirely different time from you than your own, an entirely different world, and it was his decision to make."

    Not sure what to say, I just think this sounds a little better :|



    Paragraph 5: "Despite it’s grandiose name, it was just a normal longsword, albeit one of extremely high repair and quality. In fact, that judgement could be applied to every piece of your equipment, from your armour, to your talisman for casting miracles, to your shield and sword."

    You've already stated that the sword fits the description, no need to be redundant by stating it again at the end.



    Paragraph 8: "You never would get used to choosing crossing the gaps between worlds… not that’d you be doing it again after this."

    Eeeyup.

    Sorry if all the feedback seemed a bit much, I tend to get carried away when I look into the details of something I'm enjoying :oops:

    That said, try to take it as a testament to how much I enjoyed it! I'll probably go through a chapter a day until I'm caught up. Expect chapter 2 feedback sometime tomorrow (if I have any, I'll try not to be so drawn-out with it like this time lol! )


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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:04 pm

    haha

    Reaper kicks so much ***. king

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:56 pm

    Reaperfan wrote:Just finished chapter 1. I definitely see what people mean when they say you have a great style. The fact that this is the first fanfic I've ever read more than a few paragraphs of is a good sign indeed big grin
    Though I do have a decent amount of feedback, even though most of it is just nitpicky grammatical or detail work stuff, and probably expressed alot more long-windedly than necessary winking

    Anyway, click the spoiler for feedback:

    Spoiler:
    Paragraph 2: "For if an undead was to lose faith, if a broken and beaten soul was to admit defeat… then it is was already too late. You had killed many hollows, looks of despair etched into their faces as you struck them down. That is was why you pledged yourself to the most noble of causes."

    The rest of the paragraph was written in past tense, so changing "is" to "was" here seems to fit a little better to me.



    Paragraph 3: "As your search became increasingly desperate, you had found yourself in the ruins of Lost Izalith, a hellish landscape filled with lava and demons, toying with the idea of sticking a hideous parasite, the sunlight maggot, onto your head. In your panic-induced delirium, you had honestly thought of this as a grandiose idea…"

    Try adding something within this bit that briefly states that a sunlight maggot has the power to generate sunlight. It's a statement about his struggle in weighing the risk vs reward of taking on a Sunlight Maggot to accomplish his goal, but it doesn't really convey what the reward actually is, and adding that little detail would flesh out this bit nicely, especially for any readers who may not be entirely familiar with Dark Souls.



    Paragraph 3: "If not for this undead, who found you and convinced you out of the idea, who knows where you would be know now?"

    Just a typo probably, didn't actually catch this until my second read-through silly



    Paragraph 4: "Such a world, in which the weak would be mercilessly preyed upon, with no warriors of the Darkmoon Blades to exact justice and avenge them, countered every belief you held as a warrior of sunlight."

    Kind of like with the Sunlight Maggot bit, try expanding just a little bit on what the Darkmoon Blades do to help flesh out the sentence. The bits I added here are just to give an idea of what I was thinking of. If you choose to do anything like this I'm sure you could come up with something a bit better winking



    Paragraph 4: "He was from an entirely different time from you than your own, an entirely different world, and it was his decision to make."

    Not sure what to say, I just think this sounds a little better :|



    Paragraph 5: "Despite it’s grandiose name, it was just a normal longsword, albeit one of extremely high repair and quality. In fact, that judgement could be applied to every piece of your equipment, from your armour, to your talisman for casting miracles, to your shield and sword."

    You've already stated that the sword fits the description, no need to be redundant by stating it again at the end.



    Paragraph 8: "You never would get used to choosing crossing the gaps between worlds… not that’d you be doing it again after this."

    Eeeyup.

    Sorry if all the feedback seemed a bit much, I tend to get carried away when I look into the details of something I'm enjoying :oops:

    That said, try to take it as a testament to how much I enjoyed it! I'll probably go through a chapter a day until I'm caught up. Expect chapter 2 feedback sometime tomorrow (if I have any, I'll try not to be so drawn-out with it like this time lol! )

    Thanks for pointing out the errors: I'll get round to fixing them sometime when it isn't 2AM.


    _________________
    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:57 pm

    Wade_Wilson wrote:
    Reaperfan wrote:Just finished chapter 1. I definitely see what people mean when they say you have a great style. The fact that this is the first fanfic I've ever read more than a few paragraphs of is a good sign indeed big grin
    Though I do have a decent amount of feedback, even though most of it is just nitpicky grammatical or detail work stuff, and probably expressed alot more long-windedly than necessary winking

    Anyway, click the spoiler for feedback:

    Spoiler:
    Paragraph 2: "For if an undead was to lose faith, if a broken and beaten soul was to admit defeat… then it is was already too late. You had killed many hollows, looks of despair etched into their faces as you struck them down. That is was why you pledged yourself to the most noble of causes."

    The rest of the paragraph was written in past tense, so changing "is" to "was" here seems to fit a little better to me.



    Paragraph 3: "As your search became increasingly desperate, you had found yourself in the ruins of Lost Izalith, a hellish landscape filled with lava and demons, toying with the idea of sticking a hideous parasite, the sunlight maggot, onto your head. In your panic-induced delirium, you had honestly thought of this as a grandiose idea…"

    Try adding something within this bit that briefly states that a sunlight maggot has the power to generate sunlight. It's a statement about his struggle in weighing the risk vs reward of taking on a Sunlight Maggot to accomplish his goal, but it doesn't really convey what the reward actually is, and adding that little detail would flesh out this bit nicely, especially for any readers who may not be entirely familiar with Dark Souls.



    Paragraph 3: "If not for this undead, who found you and convinced you out of the idea, who knows where you would be know now?"

    Just a typo probably, didn't actually catch this until my second read-through silly



    Paragraph 4: "Such a world, in which the weak would be mercilessly preyed upon, with no warriors of the Darkmoon Blades to exact justice and avenge them, countered every belief you held as a warrior of sunlight."

    Kind of like with the Sunlight Maggot bit, try expanding just a little bit on what the Darkmoon Blades do to help flesh out the sentence. The bits I added here are just to give an idea of what I was thinking of. If you choose to do anything like this I'm sure you could come up with something a bit better winking



    Paragraph 4: "He was from an entirely different time from you than your own, an entirely different world, and it was his decision to make."

    Not sure what to say, I just think this sounds a little better :|



    Paragraph 5: "Despite it’s grandiose name, it was just a normal longsword, albeit one of extremely high repair and quality. In fact, that judgement could be applied to every piece of your equipment, from your armour, to your talisman for casting miracles, to your shield and sword."

    You've already stated that the sword fits the description, no need to be redundant by stating it again at the end.



    Paragraph 8: "You never would get used to choosing crossing the gaps between worlds… not that’d you be doing it again after this."

    Eeeyup.

    Sorry if all the feedback seemed a bit much, I tend to get carried away when I look into the details of something I'm enjoying :oops:

    That said, try to take it as a testament to how much I enjoyed it! I'll probably go through a chapter a day until I'm caught up. Expect chapter 2 feedback sometime tomorrow (if I have any, I'll try not to be so drawn-out with it like this time lol! )

    Thanks for pointing out the errors: I'll get round to fixing them sometime when it isn't 2AM.

    Screw fixing that old stuff! Where's chap. 9? lol!

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Fri Sep 28, 2012 10:00 pm

    WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:
    Wade_Wilson wrote:
    Reaperfan wrote:Just finished chapter 1. I definitely see what people mean when they say you have a great style. The fact that this is the first fanfic I've ever read more than a few paragraphs of is a good sign indeed big grin
    Though I do have a decent amount of feedback, even though most of it is just nitpicky grammatical or detail work stuff, and probably expressed alot more long-windedly than necessary winking

    Anyway, click the spoiler for feedback:

    Spoiler:
    Paragraph 2: "For if an undead was to lose faith, if a broken and beaten soul was to admit defeat… then it is was already too late. You had killed many hollows, looks of despair etched into their faces as you struck them down. That is was why you pledged yourself to the most noble of causes."

    The rest of the paragraph was written in past tense, so changing "is" to "was" here seems to fit a little better to me.



    Paragraph 3: "As your search became increasingly desperate, you had found yourself in the ruins of Lost Izalith, a hellish landscape filled with lava and demons, toying with the idea of sticking a hideous parasite, the sunlight maggot, onto your head. In your panic-induced delirium, you had honestly thought of this as a grandiose idea…"

    Try adding something within this bit that briefly states that a sunlight maggot has the power to generate sunlight. It's a statement about his struggle in weighing the risk vs reward of taking on a Sunlight Maggot to accomplish his goal, but it doesn't really convey what the reward actually is, and adding that little detail would flesh out this bit nicely, especially for any readers who may not be entirely familiar with Dark Souls.



    Paragraph 3: "If not for this undead, who found you and convinced you out of the idea, who knows where you would be know now?"

    Just a typo probably, didn't actually catch this until my second read-through silly



    Paragraph 4: "Such a world, in which the weak would be mercilessly preyed upon, with no warriors of the Darkmoon Blades to exact justice and avenge them, countered every belief you held as a warrior of sunlight."

    Kind of like with the Sunlight Maggot bit, try expanding just a little bit on what the Darkmoon Blades do to help flesh out the sentence. The bits I added here are just to give an idea of what I was thinking of. If you choose to do anything like this I'm sure you could come up with something a bit better winking



    Paragraph 4: "He was from an entirely different time from you than your own, an entirely different world, and it was his decision to make."

    Not sure what to say, I just think this sounds a little better :|



    Paragraph 5: "Despite it’s grandiose name, it was just a normal longsword, albeit one of extremely high repair and quality. In fact, that judgement could be applied to every piece of your equipment, from your armour, to your talisman for casting miracles, to your shield and sword."

    You've already stated that the sword fits the description, no need to be redundant by stating it again at the end.



    Paragraph 8: "You never would get used to choosing crossing the gaps between worlds… not that’d you be doing it again after this."

    Eeeyup.

    Sorry if all the feedback seemed a bit much, I tend to get carried away when I look into the details of something I'm enjoying :oops:

    That said, try to take it as a testament to how much I enjoyed it! I'll probably go through a chapter a day until I'm caught up. Expect chapter 2 feedback sometime tomorrow (if I have any, I'll try not to be so drawn-out with it like this time lol! )

    Thanks for pointing out the errors: I'll get round to fixing them sometime when it isn't 2AM.

    Screw fixing that old stuff! Where's chap. 9? lol!

    Me and my friend sat down to play half an hour of BL2: 5 hours later we called it quits and hit the sack. Damn that game is addicting... but hey, I'll have all of tomorrow free, so I'll get CH9 done then.


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    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Reaperfan on Fri Sep 28, 2012 10:39 pm

    This thread is about to split again and I'll have to relink my signature...again :x

    EDIT: Ohh the irony (is it really irony or am I misusing the term?)! This post was the post that split it lol!


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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Fri Sep 28, 2012 10:41 pm

    Reaperfan wrote:This thread is about to split again and I'll have to relink my signature...again :x

    EDIT: Ohh the irony (is it really irony or am I misusing the term?)! This post was the post that split it lol!

    Coincidental?

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Reaperfan on Fri Sep 28, 2012 10:42 pm

    WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:
    Reaperfan wrote:This thread is about to split again and I'll have to relink my signature...again :x

    EDIT: Ohh the irony (is it really irony or am I misusing the term?)! This post was the post that split it lol!

    Coincidental?

    Very much so.

    EDIT: Just found another bit of feedback grammar nazi nitpicking :oops:

    Spoiler:
    Paragraph 8: "You never would get used to crossing the gaps between worlds… not that’d you'd be doing it again after this."


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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Reaperfan on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:10 am

    I just found the Pony Thread Simulator video. I'm beginning to understand they kind of Bronies people are afraid of...


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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:12 am

    Reaperfan wrote:I just found the Pony Thread Simulator video.

    The what?

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Reaperfan on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:15 am

    WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:
    Reaperfan wrote:I just found the Pony Thread Simulator video.

    The what?

    Watch with caution:

    Spoiler:


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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:18 am

    Do I even want to?

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Reaperfan on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:20 am

    WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:Do I even want to?

    Yes.
    But also no.


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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:59 am

    Ah, /mlp/. Good times.


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    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:18 am

    I have such a hard time following along with those 4chan threads. I never seem to know who is talking and who is responding to whom.

    It just comes off as one big, messy clusterfuck to me. :bas:

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:57 am

    WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:I have such a hard time following along with those 4chan threads. I never seem to know who is talking and who is responding to whom.

    It just comes off as one big, messy clusterfuck to me. :bas:

    I was confused the first time as well. They updated it though so that's it's much easier to follow a conversation. Basically, if a post is linked in red and is accompanied by text, it's a response to a previous post. If a post has links along the top right, then people replied to that post.


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    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Sat Sep 29, 2012 11:36 am

    Hey yo Wade, how much do you think Hasbro would have to pay you for you to consider selling them a story? winking

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:09 pm

    I don't own the IP to Dark Souls, Demon Souls, and anything in the respective games, so I couldn't sell them the story if they asked for it. They'd have to take it up with From Soft.


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    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:11 pm

    Why does the little man always have to spread it and take it gratefully from the Man? lol!

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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by Wade_Wilson on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:16 pm

    WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:Why does the little man always have to spread it and take it gratefully from the Man? lol!

    Well, in this case it's perfectly justified. I would be trying to make money of two separate IPs owned by separate companies, without owning the rights to either. Besides, I wouldn't personally sell a story, I'd just let someone use it for free.
    Spoiler:
    Imagine if Hasbro actually did a DkS themed episode, I'd be in heaven


    _________________
    Golden rays of the glorious sunshine, sending down such a blood-red light
    Now the animals slowly retreat to the shadows, out of sight
    Arid winds blow across the mountains, giving flight to the birds of prey
    In the distance machines come to transform Eden, day by day
    Only love is with us now, something warm and pure!
    Find the peace within ourselves, no need for the cure!
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    WhatDoesThePendantDo?
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    Re: Brony Thread

    Post by WhatDoesThePendantDo? on Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:22 pm

    Wade_Wilson wrote:
    Spoiler:
    Imagine if Hasbro actually did a DkS themed episode, I'd be in heaven

    No chance. But yeah, that would be absolutely epic.


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    Re: Brony Thread

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